Sometimes it's okay to cry.

Today has not gone at all how I planned.

Really though, does it ever.

I received the PICC line this afternoon.

It wasn't as bad as I made myself believe it was going to be.

 I did have a terrible anxiety attack.

Those are not ever a good time.

On top of already being scared they had to try twice to get the line in.

The ladies who did it though were absolutely wonderful which made everything seem a little better. 

And also lidocaine. She gave me a ton of it (it's numbing medicine) because I was so scared and she didn't want me to feel a thing.

Amazing, right?

When a PICC line is inserted a chest x ray has to be done to make sure it's in properly.

Well my first PICC line was in to far so I had to have it pulled out some and re-taped.

However they are jerking me around with the ultrasound.

It's the only thing I really want. 

I want to see and hear our baby.

I want to know that through all of this mess that he/she is doing well.

I need this shining light.

I am scheduled Wednesday but they are hoping to get me in tomorrow morning. 

I will give them until Wednesday but if it doesn't happen they will see a side of me that I don't like to bring out.

I was also suppose to go home today.

Somebody messed up the order for my medicine today so that didn't happen./

I snapped out a little and gave Jeremy more hell than anyone person should give someone they love.

I am just grateful that he loves me.

I am having trouble handling all the downs and I am tired of looking for silver linings.

I cried for a good hour today. 

I know that God has a plan but the human in me sometimes wins and I really struggle with the 'bad' emotions.

It's mostly hard to be away from Kaylee.

I am a firm believer that I need her more than she needs me.

I couldn't even talk to her on the phone because I would have broke down in tears and I don't want to scare her.

I am hoping that I can talk to here before bed and hold in the tears until we hang up.

I was assured that I will be released tomorrow, with out question but we'll see how that goes.

Hopefully tomorrow or Wednesday I will be able to do a gender reveal post so keep your eyes peeled for some good and exciting news.

Thank you all who have been sending prayers my way.

You and God keep me strong.

I love you all.