“To free us from the expectations of others, to give us back to ourselves--there lies the great, singular power of self-respect.” - Joan Didion

The highlighted parts of the lyrics below are a true testament to how I am. I push people away and stop caring. Maybe it's due to how many times I have been screwed in the past. Maybe it's because despite me explaining to everyone in my life I don't do well with people and expectations and still the pressure builds. Maybe it's due to my own screw ups. Who knows, but this, its the truth. 

Crossfade- "Cold"

Looking back at me I see
That I never really got it right
I never stopped to think of you
I'm always wrapped up in
Things I cannot win
You are the antidote that gets me by
Something strong
Like a drug that gets me high

[Chorus x2:]
What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold

To you I'm sorry about all the lies
Maybe in a different light
You could see me stand on my own again
Cause now i can see
You were the antidote that got me by
Something strong like a drug that got me high

[Chorus x2]

I never meant to be so cold

I never really wanted you to see
The screwed up side of me that I keep
Locked inside of me so deep
It always seems to get to me
I never really wanted you to go
So many things you should have known
I guess for me there's just no hope
I never meant to be so cold

[Chorus x2]

There's another song ( Hey Jealousy- Gin Blossoms ) That has a line :: ♫And if you don't expect to much from me you might not be let down♫. This is also true to who I am and what I try to convey to the people in my life. I haven't tried to bend until I broke for someone in such a long time. It's kinda sad and maybe even wrong but also freeing.  If you don't worry about you, no one else will. 

Now am I saying that I don't want people in my life? Am I saying that I don't want to do for others? Absolutely not. I just want people who accept this as how and who I am. Now this is not a plea for anyone to do those things it's a statement that if you can't - see ya. If you accept these things, I will fight for you.

I am trying to look back and decide when this change in me occurred. I can't pin point it exactly but I know it's been for at least the last 5 months or so. I know that there are a lot of people who don't like me or are disappointed in me or let down by me and I am truly sorry for letting you down or hurting you. Really I am. I am however not sorry for how I am that you expected so much from me. 

This is not just a one way street though. I don't expect much from other people either. I am been back-stabbed, lied to and hurt buy so many people who I was only ever honest and up front with. As of right this minute there are at least three people who consider me a 'close' or best friend who are lying to me or keeping secrets from me.That's fine, we all have our secrets or things better left unsaid. It's jut further proof that the only person you can count on to be true to you is you. I can't even count on people who are suppose to be my blood. My supposed family.

I know that there are at least 2 people who may take this personally and I want to assure you that this IS NOT written just for or about you. Neither of the two of you were the inspiration for this blog. Only after reading over it did I realize that this could be taken as a personal shot and that's not what it's meant to be. Just a little bit of how I feel.